Yeah, this is going to be a rambling, weird, personal post, but I realized I haven’t actually written a post on here in a while (and honestly I really don’t give two shits if anyone reads this, it’s just good to get it out there every once in a while).
As pretty much everyone I know already knows, I moved out to LA last August. I got my very first apartment, my first car (under my name, that I picked out and reluctantly have to pay for), my first real job and so many other firsts I would need a whole post just to list them all. But with all of that happening around me, it’s really made me realize some stuff not just about my own life, but just about life in general. So, here it is:
- Life is pretty meaningless without your friends and family.
I was texting my friend the other week and she was asking me how California was. I responded that is was ok, and she asked why just ok? I responded saying that, “Moving here has just really made me realize that you can be in the best place ever, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t have people there with you.” She responded back with, “That’s a life lesson if I’ve ever heard one.”
I never really thought of it that way – a life lesson. Yeah, I guess so. I mean when I sit down and think of it, California is always where I’ve dreamed of being – going out every night, working in Hollywood, living the dream… But truth is, I go home every night, have a few beers by myself or with one of my roommates, and go to bed. I can’t bring myself to go out because, who would I go out with? I’ve always been a very shy person, and I was never good at making friends (the only way I ever really made friends was through classes and other people), and I just can’t bring myself to put myself out there. I’ve faced to much rejection, and it’s not something I take lightly. Everyday I think, “My life would be so much better if I had my friends and family with me.”
- You can never escape your past no matter how hard and far you try to run.
Having memories and a conscious is really just a stupid thing. Because when those memories get ruined by someone or something, your instinct is to run away from them. But you can’t. They’re always with you. It’s like a form of suffering. But in a way, I think everyone is addicted to this form of suffering – or at least I am? There’s a very fine line between comfort and pain, but if you even get the slightest comfort from something, it almost seems worth it.
Ok this point didn’t really make sense (I swear it did in my head)…
- You can’t just put all your time and energy into work.
Absolutely ANYONE who knows me from school knows that I’m a complete workaholic. I never stop. I bounce from project to project because whenever I have a moment to myself, I feel like I’m going to fall apart.
Well. Now I’m working a job – that I love by the way – but it doesn’t take up all my time or energy. I go home, and I might have a side project I’m working on, but I’m so distracted by everything else that I can’t even focus in on it. I just feel lost about 95% of the time. And I keep thinking back – why didn’t I just enjoy things instead of just working all the time? But in a way, my work brought me joy. And now, in a time where all I have in my life is my work, that’s not even there to comfort me.
- A lot of people are a lot more superficial than they might give off.
I don’t feel the need to explain this one.
- Trust is extremely hard to come by…
… And then when you think you have it, it gets ripped away. When you really boil it down, at the end of the day, it’s only you. No one else there to comfort you.
Not really going to get into this one anymore either, because then I’m going to turn into that cynical person that everyone – including me – hates.
- It’s never enough.
And you can relate this back to the “big fish, small pond” concept, but whatever you think you know, it’s never going to be enough to some people. As much as it might hurt some people, you really can’t please everyone. You just have to pick and choose the people that are worth your time to please (and you should be at the top of that list).
- Personal emotions control your life a lot more than you might think.
… At least they do for me. I keep telling myself things are going to change and it’s all good, but the next week it’s back to before. You can only hide it so long before it starts to leak out again.
And the last big thing I’ve learned…
- It’s much easier to give advice than it is to take it.
But on a positive note, I’m working somewhere I’ve always dreamed of, I have a home with two of my best friends in the entire world and I’m trying to just take it day by day. Sometimes the days are just harder than others.